Do you hev some wodka?

Being one of those diy types, I decided it would be fun to actually use the herbs growing so bountifully and herbally in my garden and make some essential oils and extracts. Then I can make you all homemade body products for Christmas at a fraction of the cost, and it will be all natural. Get excited!!

You may or may not be aware that in order to make an herbal extract, one must obtain (and subsequently use) an alcoholic substance known as "vodka." This is a difficult prospect in the state of Utah, because it is not possible to just throw a fifth into the cart while grocery shopping. No, an individual wishing to get likkered up must drive to the State Liquor Agency, where he or she must avoid the secret cameras all the bishops have set up outside, slink in the barred door, and skulk out again with a telltale brown paper bag.

In our small town the SLA is located across the street from the post office. It is virtually impossible to get in and out without meeting an acquaintance. This could prove embarrassing. So before going that route, I decided to do a little Internet research. Maybe I could purchase spirits online, avoiding any face recognition. Here's what I found out about wodka in the process:

Vodka is far and away the most popular spirit category in America, accounting for more than twenty percent of all distilled spirits consumption. It is defined by government regulations as a spirit without any distinctive character, aroma, taste or color. Vodka is essentially an un-aged neutral spirit that can be distilled from just about anything fermentable. Although the legendary potato is used in the production of some vodkas, most brands today, including the imported ones, are made from grain--any grain, including rye, wheat, and barley, but principally corn.

Vodka online is also very, very expensive. And what if the package breaks, and the fumes kill the mail carrier? Daltonman came home from school yesterday to find me staring at a liquor Web site. He seemed . . . concerned. I told him he'd driven me to drink.


Then my sister gave me the bright idea of going up to Salt Lake, losing myself in the crowds of heathens up there, and sneaking into a SLA in parts where I'm less well known. Brilliant girl! I just happened to be in Salt Lake for a meeting this afternoon, so I took her advice. First I had to have a conversation with the receptionist at the State Office of Education (where my meeting was, and where I asked to borrow a phone book so I could find the address), who wanted to know where I was trying to go, would not take no for an answer, and then had to tell me about how she totally understands, and her neighbor comes over to get her coffee grounds (for her garden) so she doesn't have to be seen buying coffee at the store. That took a while. Oh. And if I see a palm tree before she does, she wants me to hug it for her. I'm not even kidding.

The store I went to was quite nice. Man, they keep that place clean! There were a couple of scary-looking guys in there, buying stuff that I'm guessing was destined to be gone within minutes. The clerks were very helpful, and when I asked if they had anything stronger than 80 proof, were all too happy to oblige me. They set me up with Everclear. 180 proof. That ought to do the job. There are little labels all over it saying things like, "Extremely flammable. Use caution." and "Internal use of this product can be harmful." Anybody thirsty?

So now my peppermint leaves are marinating in the sauce, and in a week or so I should have some lovely mint extract. If you would like to come over for some homemade ice cream and/or thin mints, please let me know. I'll have a thimble ready for the libation portion of the visit. Hiccup!