Being one of those diy types, I decided it would be fun to actually use the herbs growing so bountifully and herbally in my garden and make some essential oils and extracts. Then I can make you all homemade body products for Christmas at a fraction of the cost, and it will be all natural. Get excited!!
You may or may not be aware that in order to make an herbal extract, one must obtain (and subsequently use) an alcoholic substance known as "vodka." This is a difficult prospect in the state of Utah, because it is not possible to just throw a fifth into the cart while grocery shopping. No, an individual wishing to get likkered up must drive to the State Liquor Agency, where he or she must avoid the secret cameras all the bishops have set up outside, slink in the barred door, and skulk out again with a telltale brown paper bag.
In our small town the SLA is located across the street from the post office. It is virtually impossible to get in and out without meeting an acquaintance. This could prove embarrassing. So before going that route, I decided to do a little Internet research. Maybe I could purchase spirits online, avoiding any face recognition. Here's what I found out about wodka in the process:
Vodka is far and away the most popular spirit category in America, accounting for more than twenty percent of all distilled spirits consumption. It is defined by government regulations as a spirit without any distinctive character, aroma, taste or color. Vodka is essentially an un-aged neutral spirit that can be distilled from just about anything fermentable. Although the legendary potato is used in the production of some vodkas, most brands today, including the imported ones, are made from grain--any grain, including rye, wheat, and barley, but principally corn.
Vodka online is also very, very expensive. And what if the package breaks, and the fumes kill the mail carrier? Daltonman came home from school yesterday to find me staring at a liquor Web site. He seemed . . . concerned. I told him he'd driven me to drink.
Then my sister gave me the bright idea of going up to Salt Lake, losing myself in the crowds of heathens up there, and sneaking into a SLA in parts where I'm less well known. Brilliant girl! I just happened to be in Salt Lake for a meeting this afternoon, so I took her advice. First I had to have a conversation with the receptionist at the State Office of Education (where my meeting was, and where I asked to borrow a phone book so I could find the address), who wanted to know where I was trying to go, would not take no for an answer, and then had to tell me about how she totally understands, and her neighbor comes over to get her coffee grounds (for her garden) so she doesn't have to be seen buying coffee at the store. That took a while. Oh. And if I see a palm tree before she does, she wants me to hug it for her. I'm not even kidding.
The store I went to was quite nice. Man, they keep that place clean! There were a couple of scary-looking guys in there, buying stuff that I'm guessing was destined to be gone within minutes. The clerks were very helpful, and when I asked if they had anything stronger than 80 proof, were all too happy to oblige me. They set me up with Everclear. 180 proof. That ought to do the job. There are little labels all over it saying things like, "Extremely flammable. Use caution." and "Internal use of this product can be harmful." Anybody thirsty?
So now my peppermint leaves are marinating in the sauce, and in a week or so I should have some lovely mint extract. If you would like to come over for some homemade ice cream and/or thin mints, please let me know. I'll have a thimble ready for the libation portion of the visit. Hiccup!
9 comments:
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Everclear. Of course.
Do they have anything harder?
Cuz I am like SOOOOOOO tired of everclear...
Next time you need some, you don't have to make a trip to SL. I'm happy to pick some up for you. I love going to the liquor store.
DG, why not make the vodka yourself? Poor Russians (cf. tightwad Americans) sometimes even use paper to flavor it.
At my wedding reception, my father-in-law kept asking EVERYONE where he was supposed to get a stiff drink in this town. Fortunately, someone took pity on him and explained about the State Liquor Store. Unfortunately, there turned out to be a store right next to his hotel. I am SO glad we were safely away on our honeymoon before he found the booze.
It would seem that our dear DaltonGirl has embarked down the slippery slope of boozedom. While the goal of making one's own essential oils and herbal extracts is undoubtedly admirable (in fact, I'm astounded), I find it hard to believe that these oils are, in fact, "essential." And I've seen the glint in her eye as she adds "something special" to the pot on the stove. It's only a matter of time now.
We've seen it happen before - not with booze, but with lawbreakin'. I'm speaking of Martha Stewart, whose daily activities bear a striking similarity to DaltonGirl's. Everyone knows that she, too, was fond of making her own herbal extracts. There were probably some brewing the very day they carted her off to federal prison.
Okay - so there was this kid at my high school who went to the Ostrich Farm (I don't know why it is called that - it was just a place in the woods where the kids met to party) and drank a TON of Everclear, and he was in a coma for TWO WEEKS! But then he got better, and then he reformed and did assemblies. It's like an After School Special.
There was another kid named Cole who was on the High School Rodeo Team, and he got gored by a bull and was in a coma, and lost a kidney, and the cheerleaders had a carwash for him, and he got better, too. That has NOTHING to do with your post, but it's a fun story.
BTW, Can you tell I would have been friends with Lola if I would have been born 22 years later?
Stupid: I think hydrochloric acid may be what you're looking for.
Brozy: I may take you up on that--although the only issue was going into the store in front of all my neighbors--plus, I was already in Salt Lake. I doubt I would have made a special trip--I would have just braved the gossip and gone here.
DR: Lola suggested I make it myself. I'm considering having daltonboy build me a still like unto the one Hawkeye and Pierce have in their tent. Wouldn't THAT be awesome?
Amyj: I heard about that . . .
Mamaj: Just FYI, the term "essential" is intended to convey that the oil is an essence of the plant it is extracted from, and not in the more common sense of being indispensable.
Natgo: You crack me up.
Everclear was the drink of choice at my high school. Kids would put it in their nalgene waterbottles and drink it at lunchtime. Those were the days....
Also, I'm selling all my scrapbooking stuff. Let me know if you want any of my quickutz.
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