My last post and the subsequent comments got me thinking about a story. (Incidentally, it was not my intention to offend anyone with my comments about LDS authors. Some of my best friends read Anita Stanisfeld. I don't read LDS fiction, because I'm a snob. And I wasn't offended by any of the comments, so don't worry about that.)
Anyway, as I said, it got me thinking. About how I met my husband, which was through ldssingles.com. He had really goofy hair in his profile photo, and I almost didn't write back to him because of it. That would have been a mistake. It turned out he was willing to change his hair, and once he did, he turned out to be the cutest boy ever, in addition to already being the sweetest boy ever. So we got married and lived happily ever after.
Before that, though, during my five years of interim singlehood, I met some other people through that Web site. And that's what I was really thinking about.
There was the guy who was really nice and really cute, who took me to my favorite restaurant and talked about how great the sex had been with his ex-wife.
Then there was the guy who cried all through our lunch together, like when I told him a cute thing that Lola had said, or when I said that I was happy working at BYU.
All of them were really nice, and there were no stalkers or weird people, unless you count the mentally disabled guy who wanted me to drive up to Salt Lake and mow his lawn, or the guy from Florida who wanted me to post a photo of my feet before he decided whether or not he was going to move to where I lived.
But my all-time personal favorite, I think, was the guy who never emailed or dated me, and yet we shared something very, very special.
The first week in my new ward, after moving to Utah, a tall, nice-looking guy comes up to me and says, "LDS Singles!" I stared, open mouthed.
"LDS Singles Online, right? That's where I know you from?"
I blushed. Deeply.
"Um, I'm not actually on that anymore . . ."
"I knew I'd seen you somewhere. My name is Dave (not his real name)."
"Oh. Uh, I'm Daltongirl (not my real name). Well, I guess that's where you saw me."
"Right. Well . . ." Awkward silence as he realizes that I now know that he's looked at my profile enough to recognize me on the spot, and yet he's done nothing about it. Shortly after that he started attending the singles ward, much to my relief.
A couple of years later, I was dateless and desperate. I had attended a Single Adult Fireside, where I met a couple of people. Unfortunately, I had been asked to provide the musical number, so everyone knew my name and had a reason to talk to me. Especially the freaky people, who now had carte blanche to accost me as I tried to find the nearest exit.
"I really enjoyed your singing. What do you do?"
"I'm an editor."
"Really! I'm a writer. Let me get your number. I may be looking for an editor sometime soon. I'm almost done with my manuscript."
"Oh? What is your book about?"
Looks furtively about the room. "Uh, I can't really tell you. It's . . . (whispers) sacred."
Unh-HUH. I saw that guy singing in the Single Adult choir in Conference like eight years later, which was not a big surprise. Next!
"I really enjoyed your singing. Normally I don't come to firesides all the way down here in Utah County, because I don't drive on the freeway, but this time I decided to test out my theory that the trip could be made taking only frontage roads, so I left my house, turned right at the four-way stop, and took Redwood Road for about ten miles south, then I stopped at the light on . . ." You get the idea. The guy fascinated me, because he looked and sounded exactly like George McFly from Back to the Future. And I now know every single stop and turn on the roads from here to Salt Lake. Who knows? That may come in handy someday.
Anyway, that experience sort of soured me on the whole Single Adult activity thing. Then I went out on a blind date with the brother-in-law of someone from work. This guy looked exactly like my stepfather, which was creepy (not that my stepfather is creepy, but dating someone who looks like him is), and didn't know the difference between Star Trek and Star Wars, which was stupid. Also, he took me to Chuck E. Cheese. 'Nuf said. So I was lonely, desperate, and there was this single guy in my very ward, who was kind of cute and a good friend of mine said he was really nice and dying to get married. Also, he had a lovely new home that he had just built, apparently under the impression that "If you build it, she will come." And hey, if there's a big ol' house furnished with Pier 1 stuff just waiting for someone to come and live in it, why shouldn't it be for me?
So I called Dave. I ignored my personal conviction that men should do the asking to prove their ability to make decisions and commit, and I called him up and asked him out. Even though he had repeatedly perused my captivating profile years earlier and hadn't seemed remotely interested in me whenever we spoke, and I wasn't remotely interested in him. And he said he'd "think it over." What the heck? At least I was maybe going to have a date, and it never hurts to just find out for sure, does it? I mean, what if The One was living two blocks away and we never did anything about it, just because we "weren't interested"? He said he'd call me back in a few days to let me know. This was a red flag, because how much thinking do you need to do? I mean, it's just a date, right? I was committed, however, and besides, even if he did turn out to be a moron, at least I was going to have a date. Maybe.
He called me back on the appointed day, and we chatted on the phone for about an hour. He was witty, nice, and seemed interested in me. That was a plus. At the end of the conversation, he said he would be able to go out, and how about next Thursday? What he actually said, I can't remember. What it sounded like was, "Well, now that we've chatted, and I feel reasonably certain that you're not stupid, annoying, or after my money, I think I can commit to one date." Another red flag. And I had a date!!!
Thursday came. The phone rang. He wasn't going to be able to make it, sorry, but he did have time to talk to me for another hour. During this conversation he continued to ask me questions about what kinds of things I liked to do, what my personal preferences were, etc. During the course of the conversation, I told him that Lola and I had just been up to the Capitol to rap with the governor about Folic Acid Awareness Month. He found that very interesting, and asked if I had taken folic acid during my pregnancy. I had. Then he wanted to know if I had taken it in the form of fresh-squeezed orange juice. Sadly, I had not. I sensed deep disapproval. Somehow I got the impression that he had a clipboard in his hand during these phone conversations, and was making notes as we talked. We scheduled another date. My excitement waned.
Before that day came, he called again, and we talked for another hour or so. This time, he wanted to know if I had read The Celestine Prophecy. (And here's the part where me being a snob comes in.) My mom had tried to get me to read that book years earlier, but after the first chapter, I just couldn't take the writing. It was so bad that I could not read the book. My mom claimed she knew it was bad, but the book was "so good." I couldn't do it. I will forever be ignorant of the jewels of wisdom in The Celestine Prophecy because of poor writing. Who comes out the loser? I'm told I do. And I'm willing to live with that.
Anyway, Dave wanted to know if I had read the book. I explained that I hadn't, and I also explained why, in the nicest possible way. This was my fatal mistake. Apparently, Dave takes that book more seriously than the Holy Scriptures, and could never go out on a single date with someone who doesn't feel the same way. He didn't say that, but the conversation ended shortly after that, and when the day of our date came around, he just didn't show up. I called him a couple of days later to find out why. "Oh, uh, (lame excuse) uh, blah, blah." Something about a friend driving down from Salt Lake to show him his new stereo. Yup. Moron.
No great loss. I didn't want to go out with him anyway.
Epilogue: Shortly after that, Dave built a bigger house next door to the first house. Then, after dating for two weeks, he got married to a woman with really long hair, red fingernails, and 80s clothes whom he met on LDS Singles. I was assigned to be her visiting teacher, but I never actually went, because the times I was available (after work), she couldn't have anyone over, as she had to be cooking his dinner and massaging his feet. They were divorced within the year. I think maybe he built another house.
Moral of the story: Well, there are so many. Don't ask guys out. Don't stay single past age thirty. Don't forget to drink fresh-squeezed orange juice when you're pregnant--your future happiness may depend on it. And if you don't want to read a book, at least see the movie and pretend you read it. They do it in high school all the time. Why should the dating world be any different?
16 comments:
re: "And It Came To Pass"
I am a snob too. I don't watch 'Mormon Movies' or read 'Mormon Books' Simply because I can't stand a bad product.
If the LDS book (or movie) is truly good, it will hit all markets and I will hear about it from an outside source. Said source will not market to me in the form of you're-Mormon-so-you-will-
automatically-love-and-identify-
with-the-story-because-you-are-
Mormon-and-you-just-HAVE-
to-because-you-are-Mormon.
I have a question for those who want my 'Mormon money:' if your product or art is so great, why did you limit the size of your potential audience by making it so specifically narrow in scope? Why not write well and THEN let the tome speak for itself? Why not go for the money from the masses?
It is inconceivable to me that someone wants me to purchase an inferior product because I share a common belief system.
The right way: Saints and Soldiers (not specifically a 'Mormon Movie,' but a purveyor of good values) and Napoleon Dynamite (also not a 'Mormon Movie').
The wrong way: You're [insert faith here], you're gonna love it; it's all about [insert faith here].
Exceptions: those who write serious books on faith because that is their calling and responsibility. Although I don't often read such tomes because--well--I already have scriptures that usually cover me for my spiritual needs.
re: LDS singles:
I have no opinion--I have never used a service of the dating persuasion. However, I know there are a lot of heebs on there. I also know there are very good people sincerely looking for other good people. They can be found--watch out for the heebs though...
I told myself I wasn't going to comment on the previous thread. I told myself I was going to just let it go. But you brought it up again, and then Stupid went on a rant about it, so I feel compelled to cry out in defense of LDS fiction.
See, this is what irks me: "Some of my best friends read Anita Stanisfeld [sic]. I don't read LDS fiction, because I'm a snob." If you continue to equate LDS fiction with Stansfield, not only are you a snob, but you're an ignorant snob. What your statement tells me is that you haven't touched a work of LDS fiction in fifteen years.
Back in the day, all we had was Stansfield and Weyland. Then along came Lund with The Work and the Glory. This is not to say that TWatG was good writing. Merciful heavens, no. Had he had a decent editor, the series could have been accomplished in, at the most, six voluems instead of nine. However, LDS publishers learned that fiction could actually sell to frugal (I want to say tightwad) Mormons.
This didn't improve the quality of writing, but it did improve the quantity of works out there. Which was a good thing, because then came Dean Hughes. That's right . . . a nationally published author decided to write for the LDS market. He focused on character and plot development. He knew how to put a sentence together. These were happy times.
And because of that, the LDS market began to attract more authors who can write.
Unfortunately, the snobs of the Wastach Front had already decided that there was nothing of worth and asking themselves Can there any good thing come out of Mormondom?
Good things have come out of the market. But because the snobs refuse to take their noses out of the air and poke them in a book every once in a while, they don't survive. Yes, the market is still dominated by Stansfield and others of her ilk, but this is a business, and publishers have learned that the people who actually buy books are satisfied with that caliber of writing.
And that's just wrong. So, because I've ranted and raved that there are books and authors worth reading, I should leave with a list of such to check out.
Stephanie Black. The Believer.
Kerry Blair. Mummy's the Word. This Just In. (Yes, I know you've already maligned and outcast her, and it's true that she won't be nominated for a Pulitzer anytime soon, but she is fun and quirky and tells an interesting story.)
Jerry Borrowman. 'Til the Boys Come Home. (Superb novel once you've moved beyond the expansive character development in the first part of the book prior to the characters entering the war.)
Matthew Buckley. Chickens in the Headlights.
Guy Morgan Galli. Lifted Up. (Horrendous cover but great story.)
Dean Hughes. Children of the Promise series. (There's a follow-up series as well that is good but not compelling.) Soldier Boys.
Robert Marcum. House of Israel series. (The second book is, I believe, the better book in the series.)
Louise Plummer. Dance for Three. Thoughts of a Grasshopper.
Tom Plummer. Eating Chocolates and Dancing in the Kitchen.
Kristen Randle. Slumming.
Amy Maida Wadsworth. Faraway Child.
Patricia Wiles. Kevin Kirk Chronicles series.
Alma Yates. Sammy's Song.
And, Stupid, I assume that since you refuse to be marketed to, then you've already read and passed along your copies of Soldier Boys, Dance for Three, and Slumming, because those were released by national publishers to "all markets." Honestly, books about Mormons are still not going to hit the national market because the only people truly interested in reading about Mormons live in the Book of Mormon Belt. The only other Mormon books to hit all markets are those written by people like Martha Beck and Jon Krakauer. Mormon books have as much a chance of surviving the national market as Romney does of actually getting the Republican nomination for president.
You forgot Lisa McKendrick, whose first novel was her master's thesis. And her second novel was pretty good too. On a Whim and A Life of My Own.
Maybe a little less on the LDS book thing and a little more on the guy who cried through your lunch thing? Are you serious? Could you please one day post the transcript of your lunchtime conversation? As you remember it, of course. Feel free to embellish any parts because I know that it's GOT to be a good story.
Speaking of good stories... LDS books! So I had a friend in high school who read the Tennis Shoes Among the Nephites series (and I must admit, I read and enjoyed the first three books, too---I was, afterall, that age) and then she read another BoM historical fiction book. Only one book said that Moroni had brown eyes and one book said that Moroni had blue eyes. And she was very, very upset (because she imagined herself in love with Moroni at this point) because the accounts of the color of Moroni's eyes were obviously conflicted, and surely it said in the BoM what color his eyes really were.
Hey, if I was old enough to not be that stupid, then she shouldn't have been that stupid.
Uh... and that's actually all I have to say about that.
"Don't ask guys out."
I already knew that
"Don't stay single past age thirty."
I wish you'd told me that about 18 years ago.
"Don't forget to drink fresh-squeezed orange juice when you're pregnant--your future happiness may depend on it."
Odds are that will never be a problem
"And if you don't want to read a book, at least see the movie and pretend you read it."
Did that with the first Harry Potter (how many more does that leave me?)
Also, I once met a guy at a singles conference that I recognized from LDSSingles.com. I had even considered him to be the most intruguing guy on the site. However, the well-groomed and handsome guy from the site turned out to be somewhat different in person. I couldn't help noticing the large quantities of nose hair that extended well beyond the confines of the nasal cavity, not to mention the broken teeth. (Beware of anyone with a closed lip smile on LDSSingles.com.) I just couldn't bring myself to admit to him that I recognized him.
Okay, now, EKB, I feel I must leap to Daltongirl's defense, here. We've been friends for years and I can safely say that she's not ignorant or a Wasatch Front Snob--she's actually one smart cookie who is quite open-minded.
I've had the same problem w/LDS lit for the past 10 years--because authors like Lund and Stanfield no longer appeal to me, I haven't wanted to keep digging my nose back into the LDS book market. If great things have been coming out in the past few years I wouldn't know, because Deseret Book and Seagull Book always say that everything they publish is amazing, and I can't trust them. The people I know who read LDS fiction usually go for LDS crime/thriller stories (which I'm not interested in) or the LDS romances about fetching young pioneers named Fiona who have to leave their homes because of benefactors who make appropriate advances and then get sent west in a covered wagon with a Mysterious Handsome Mormon man named Caleb who may or may not be part of the Underground Railroad (which, yeah . . .).
So, the only way I would know if there were really great things out there would be if someone whose literary opinion I value (like you or texmom) were to tell me in a nice way.
I'm glad to know that things are looking up and that good writers are being recognized and encouraged and making their way into the genre. I will definitely hang on to your list . (Already love Louise Plummer, btw, and took some classes from her at BYU.) Just, you know, don't be harsh on Daltongirl, kay?
IRE. Have I invoced ire here? Surely that was not my intention. And surely yours is not ire.
However, I stand by my opinion that I will read/watch it if it is good. Like Nemesis, I have not heard good things about Mormon media from sources I trust, namely: friends who I associate with, or critics whom I trust. (Said critics usually either validate the impression of the movie or book I have alredy seen. Therefore when I read a review on something I have not already seen, I can trust them.)
My snobbery has been very overt and I don't expect you to agree with me. I only expect you to understand the poor logic of marketing in this market. Example: you are Mormon, you will love it.
Well, no; I won't...
I'm amazed at these comments. Did you even bother to read the blog entry, or were you so captivated with the LDS fiction topic that you didn't bother? There's some really funny stuff here. DaltonGirl has done a fabuluous job of capturing the essense of what it to be LDS and single, in other words, my life. Am I really the only one who finds humor in singleness and dating? I think DaltonGirl could write a book, and I'll bet it would be even better than the ones that have been discussed here. And it wouldn't even have to be fiction, because truth is stranger (and funnier) than fiction. (DaltonGirl, if you decide to do it, I have a few anecdotes of my own that I could add.)
mamaj: thanks for remembering (and complimenting) the original post. Let's write a book (marketed to an LDS audience, of course)!
cicada: I'll try. I'd feel guilty though, because the guy who cried was really very, very sweet and a fantastic dad. He just got really emotional. Maybe I can make something up for you.
nem: thanks for thinking I'm not a snob. That part and the thing about Anita was actually a joke, which apparently wasn't funny. Oh, well. You can't win 'em all.
stupid: I very much agree with you;
however,
ekb and texmom: I appreciate your list of quality work. I have read a very small sampling, and so far I'm not feeling it, but I commit to read more, because I don't want to be closed minded. (My ex-husband accused me of that, mostly because I wasn't open to the idea of him sleeping with multiple women, but that's neither here nor there.) The point is that I would like to be open minded in this case. It's just that it's kind of like when you go to In 'N Out, and you find a big toenail in your hamburger. After that, you just can't bring yourself to go to In 'N Out anymore, so you go to other hamburger joints instead. Only then one day a friend talks you into going back, and you do. And maybe you find a toenail, and maybe you eat a fantastic burger. Here's hoping I eat a fantastic burger. I'd like that.
LDS romances about fetching young pioneers named Fiona who have to leave their homes because of benefactors who make appropriate advances and then get sent west in a covered wagon with a Mysterious Handsome Mormon man named Caleb who may or may not be part of the Underground Railroad...
Where can I buy this book! Your plot synopsis alone got my heart pumping! I beg you with every fiber of my being to give me the name because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will love this book!
And Nem, good point about telling people nicely what to read. EKB, I'm not sure that your "ignorant snob who hasn't touched a work of LDS fiction in 15 years" won friends or influenced many people...
Before addressing the lovely post DG wrote, I'll give the dead horse one last kick in the ribs.
Mormon fiction: Sadly, largely rubbish. Most is written on the intellectual level of hack fiction. Only it lacks the sex. Or at least the graphicness of the sex and the half-dragon, half-human creatures slinking around eying each other lustfully. I consider that an advantage, and probably the only one in most Mormon fiction.
I was an avid reader of Mormon fiction in my younger years. Now the only ones I can stomach are Heimerdinger (though it's been a while, so I don't know if it's actual enjoyment or just nostalgia) and Hughes. The only Mormon work that I really love is Robert Kirby's Dark Angel. (Yes, it sounds like pulp fiction, but it's really an honest-feeling, humorous story about the realities of a polygamist family, told from the POV of a twelve-year-old.)
I think that Mormon fiction could someday be reach a wider audience than just the Mormon one if the writing were more along the lines of, say, Chaim Potok. Less of this "And then, miraculous, they escaped the flood and returned home to live without strife next to their sister, and the love of his wife negated the fact that he had been molested and beaten as a child and done time in prison, and they lived happily ever after" and more realistic plots, characters, and dialogue.
DG, so I'm glad that you're safely married to DB and no longer have to deal with all these crazies. But I'm really not sure that it's safe for me to associate with people who don't drink OJ when they're pregnant. I'm not married yet, and I don't want to ruin my chances by tainting my reputation in that kind of way. I'm sorry.
(You really should write the book.)
Ambrosia,
I think you're onto something with your story here...
So... the love of his WIFE negates the fact that he (the husband, or the husband's wife's lover?) had all those things happen to him...
See, LDS lit needs more juicy stuff like that!
For your awareness:
Yes I did read the original post. And I thought it was great. I even mentioned it in the first comment I made. I garnered a whole paragraph. (Read the first comment)
I read daltongirl's previous post AND the OJ Prophecy at the same time, so I commented on both. The LDS book thing is what people responded to. The funny post by daltongirl got shoved aside (maybe that was my fault) but that doesn't take away from its goodness.
Daltongirl knows I read ALL her posts. I just don't always comment because sometimes I have nothing to say that will be of value...
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