Food, Glorious Food!

Today we'll discuss the food on the trip, inspired by Stupidramblings' inquiry concerning Giordano's. In order to relieve the suspense for him, allow me to say right off the bat that we did not eat there. I think Lola ate there one day in a food court of some kind, but I'm guessing that doesn't count. More on that later.

First we'll talk about Nauvoo cuisine. That means I have to point out that the entire town rolls up its sidewalks at 6:00 p.m. That means that people who are enjoying temple worship until the unreasonable hour of 8:30 p.m. must go to the convenience store for dinner. There they have the option of eating slices of pizza that have been under a heat lamp for seven hours, or of purchasing day-old donuts for dinner. I chose the pizza. Unbelieveably, that may have been a mistake. The "pizza" I speak of consisted of a cardboard-like crust, mozarella cheese, and chicken. I forced myself to eat it, on account of I hadn't had an actual meal since breakfast early that morning. Then we bought stuff for breakfast and lunch the next day, being Sunday. We wanted to limit our Sunday purchases as much as possible, but after perusing the aisles of the convenience store, we decided God wanted us to eat out for dinner.

Next afternoon we presented ourselves at the only eating establishment open for business: Dottie's Family Dining. This sounded good. I have a friend named Dottie, and she is a good cook. Also, "family dining" sounded . . . inviting. We couldn't have been more wrong. It took us an hour and a half to get our tiny little burgers on styrofoam plates. Possibly the best part of the meal was the tater tots. I put one in my mouth, blinked in surprise, and then tried another one, thinking perhaps the first was a fluke. No. No, it wasn't. So I fed one to daltonboy, who tried to refuse. I insisted that he just try it. He put it in his mouth and burst into hysterical laughter. One by one, everyone at the table ate a tater tot and indicated surprise of some sort. I'm pretty sure what happened was that Dottie had put frozen tots directly in the underheated oil and cooked them for about an hour. The weird thing was that they appeared to be perfectly cooked. "Succulent," my brother would have said. Succulent they were not. I think I broke a tooth.

Also at Dottie's, we found out that Illinois does not have a Clean Air Act of any kind. This became painfully obvious to us when a large group of wife-beater-wearing, tattoo-sporting, Budweiser-drinking individuals accompanied by Daisy Duke-wearing girls, all in their late teens, sat down at the table next to us, lit up, and started blowing clouds of smoke in our faces. At this point I jumped up, told the lone server that we were going to skip the dessert, and Lola and I ran out. Daltonboy courageously stayed behind to pay the check. No tip, even though we are usually generous tippers.

One of the missionaries recommended a little sandwich place. We went there, and had delicious sandwiches for lunch the following day. This conversation between the clerk and daltonboy, while ordering:

DB: I'll have fruit delight with that.

Clerk: O . . . kay . . . do you know what's in that?

DB: No.

Clerk: Vanilla pudding, fruit cocktail, and cream cheese.

DB: . . . uh . . . I'll have the potato salad.

Clerk: Uh-huh. That's why we tell you what's in it.

Sadly, I suspect the potato salad was pretty much the same thing--substituting potatoes for fruit cocktail. But like I said, the sandwiches were tasty. And cheap.

Next time we go to Nauvoo, we take all our own food. Scarred by the experience at Dotties, the kids went on strike. After that, I could not get them to sample any kind of local cuisine, including Chicago dogs or pizza. They were determined to patronize only Dunkin' Donuts, Quizno's, Subway, McDonald's, and Panda Express. You pick your battles, I guess. I was more interested in making them look at great art than forcing a Chicago dog down their collective throats.

Next, we briefly examine the issue of hotel breakfast. The two-star hotel we stayed at on Night One served a full breakfast buffet, for free. And it was very, very delicious. (Then they drove us to the car rental place, also for free.) The 3.5 star hotel we stayed at upon our return was also happy to provide a breakfast buffet. At $14 a head. $70 + tip for breakfast?!? This was not conducive to our budget. So we had to wait until mid-morning every day to get downtown so we could eat for just $25 at Dunkin' Donuts. But dang, those donuts are yummy. Also, their sausage croissant sandwiches are very delicious when one is about to pass out from hunger. Also, when you eat breakfast at 11:00, you can eat dinner at 4:00 and only have to pay for two meals a day. Sweet! [evil laugh] My cunning plan worked!

Eating out for every meal is nice because it means I don't have to cook. It is not nice because it's expensive and unhealthy. On day three I developed severe digestive difficulties. After that I ordered salads pretty much wherever I went, except for Dunkin' Donuts. That helped, even when it was only iceberg lettuce. On the way home from the airport I asked daltonboy what he'd like for dinner. "Something light," he said in a slightly desperate voice. So I went back to the kitchen, where I belong. It actually feels kind of good to be back.