Observation

I have observed that some people aren't observant. Some people in my family aren't observant. All people with Y chromosomes in my family are not observant. Daltonboy was continually surprised on our trip when I would say, "We need to go that way." "How did you know that?" he'd ask. "I saw it on that sign right there," I'd say. And then he would be completely impressed. Here's my favorite example of that phenomenon from the trip:

Airport security is different in each airport, it seems. Leaving Salt Lake, taking off our shoes was optional. (Also, we got to go in this cool blower thing.) As we put our bags on the conveyor belt in Chicago to come home, I noticed that everyone had their shoes off.

"Everyone has their shoes off," I said. "I wonder if we'll have to take our shoes off."

Daltonboy was standing immediately behind me. Daltonman was directly behind him, and Busboy was behind him. We were all standing within eighteen inches of each other. Everyone could (conceivably) have heard me. "Nah," said Daltonboy. "You're wearing sandals. There's no metal in our shoes. We don't have to take them off unless we think they're going to set off the alarm."

So I continued on. Meanwhile, Lola went through with her shoes on. They looked like socks--maybe that's why she got away with it. I started to go through. Remember that the boys were directly behind me.

"Ma'am, you'll have to take your shoes off," said the guard.

I was a little surprised, given Lola's experience, but I obediently took my shoes off and put them in the bin. "I guess we do have to take our shoes off," I said, and walked through the metal detector. I turned around, and daltonboy was still fiddling around with his camera bag, not taking off his shoes.

"Daltonboy," I called through the metal detector, "You have to take your shoes off." He looked up, confused. "Take your shoes off, sir," the guard said. He did. While the boys waited. Then he walked through the metal detector. I noticed that daltonman was still preparing to walk through with his shoes on, as was busboy. Daltonboy was still close enough to convey the message to them.

"Tell daltonman to take his shoes off," I said.

Daltonboy turned back. "Take your shoes off," he said. Daltonman looked up, confused. "Take your shoes off," daltonboy said again. Daltonman took them off.

By my count, we've heard "take your shoes off" or some form of it ten times now. Busboy is still concentrating solely on getting his cell phone into the plastic bin.

"Tell daltonman to tell busboy to take his shoes off," I said.

Daltonboy turned to tell daltonman to tell busboy to take his shoes off. Daltonman did. Busboy looked up, confused. At this point, the guard burst out into hearty laughter. So did I. I also rolled my eyes. "DeleGAtion," the guard said, still laughing. I think we made his day.

You may be thinking that I sound like some weird control freak. I mean, the guard could have been the one to tell them to take their shoes off. I didn't have to be involved at all. But seriously, that's pretty much what it's like living with the dalton men all the time. So it just comes natural at this point. If I didn't step in, nothing would ever happen. It's like they're in some sort of fog. Time for dinner? Each person has to be called by name, multiple times, and invited to the table. When they arrive at the table, they pretty much just stand there, looking around like they're wondering how they got there. Then each person has to be told, personally, to sit down. After that, they're on their own. I shudder to think what would happen if the house caught fire.

On the flip side, some people are observant but have no sense of direction. I guess I'll never make a good emperor. Anyway, with my keen powers of observation, i.e., the ability to see signs, I started to get a little cocky. Then when daltonboy was sure of a direction we needed to go in order to get back the way we came, I may have possibly come off as sounding, well, derisive. (Fortunately, he didn't notice. Bwahahahaha!) But it turned out he was always right. So in the end I was humbled, we decided to pool our talents, and after that we did really well. Dalton's Chicago Tours are now being scheduled on a first come, first served basis.