Fourteen

Fourteen is the number of hours I spent working at the polls yesterday. In honor of that very long day, I am going to tell you fourteen things that happened.

1. ADHD guy from the Primary Election did not show up to help at the polls. This may have had something to do with the fact that when I found out he was scheduled to work with me again, I called the county and told them I would slit my wrists if he showed up at my polling place.

2. One voter showed up at 6:45 a.m. to vote. The polls do not open until 7:00. I'm pretty sure this is a law or something. She was pretty upset that we wouldn't allow her to vote until 7:00. The conversation went something like this:

Disgruntled voter: What!?! You're not going to let me vote?

Me: Well, the polls won't be open until 7:00. As soon as we open you will be able to vote.

Disgruntled voter: Well, I have to be somewhere at 7:00. So you can let me vote now, or I just won't vote, that's all.

Me: Hmm. Well that changes things a bit. Since you're in a hurry, and since I'm reasonably sure you're going to be voting straight party Republican, what the heck? Go right ahead.

Actually I didn't say that. And I didn't let her vote, either. I told her no again, and she sat there and waited for the polls to open.

3. The machines didn't work for the first half hour of the election. This made the woman mentioned above a little unhappy.

4. Because I am a genius, I jerry-rigged the voting machines. It's a long story. But I got them to work, and we didn't have to turn away any voters, like the polling location up the street did--about 200 of them. Oh, the mortification! I would have died.

5. The county wasn't too impressed with my jerry-rigging skills. I don't think they're used to dealing with smart people. The phone conversation went a little like this:

County official: Hello? Is this daltongirl? We have fixed the problem and can give you instructions on how to get your machines to work so you can get people voting.

Me (brightly): Oh, we're already letting them vote. I figured out how to make the machines work.

County official: . . .

Me (less brightly): uh . . . but if you have a new way you'd like me to use, I'd be happy to switch to that.

County official: . . .

Me (panicking): I actually asked for permission before I did this, and the person there at your office said it was okay.

County official: . . .

Me (meekly): Hello?

County official (sounding very, very tired): Just go ahead and keep doing it the way you're doing it. You're sure you're bringing up the right ballot?

Me: Oh, absolutely!

County official: Okay. Goodbye.

Me: BOO-yah!

6. I got to vote about twenty times. Here's how this works:

Become a poll manager. When old people show up and can't read the screen, they tell you to vote for them. They say, "I want to vote straight party Republican." You say, "Okay," and start pushing whatever buttons you want. Then you tell them they voted for Orrin Hatch, and they walk away happy. You walk away happy knowing they did nothing of the sort. (evil laugh--Mwahahahaha!)

In reality, this voting for others is not a very fun thing. It is a stressful thing. You may be surprised to find out that it is absolutely legal to help a voter cast their vote. Unless you are a candidate, employer, or union official. The reasons for this seem obvious. Anyway, since I was none of those, I got to help the old people. It was uncomfortable, especially when they said things like, "I don't know any of these people, and I don't know what's going on. Just vote me straight Republican!" or, "I don't have any kids in school. I want to vote 'no' on the school district bond." It was also uncomfortable because, although I was completely honest and did everything they told me to, they had no way of knowing that, because they couldn't see the screen. I hope that doesn't come back to haunt me.

7. Even though helping people vote is legal, I may have accidentally done a couple of illegal things. Like when people said they didn't understand an initiative or issue, and I paraphrased it for them. Come to find out, that isn't actually allowed. I think I did a pretty good job of keeping my descriptions unbiased, though, because almost nobody voted the way I secretly wanted them to. I know this because even though the voting machine people claim their machines are completely private, I could read peoples votes from about twelve feet away. I tried to avert my eyes, but you're not going to be able to avoid it all the time.

8. A guy found out I was a Democrat and told me to keep it under wraps. He seemed to think there were people out there who might try to hurt me.

9. Daltonboy brought me dinner. Sweet, sweet man.

10. Thirty-five percent of registered voters showed up.

11. Seventy-five percent of the voters who show up are ignorant, crazy, or both. One guy spent a very long time telling me about how he wanted to put Sadaam Hussein in a nice suit, line up all the Democrats, and tell Sadaam to "go for it." Not sure what that meant exactly, but he was darn serious. I smiled and kept my opinions to myself.

12. One of my neighbors came in to the school to pick up her kids. She may have been high on pot. Unfortunately, I'm not kidding. She asked, "How long is this going on?"

"Until 8:00," I said.

"Tonight?!" she said, incredulous.

"Yes."

"And what about tomorrow?"

"Uh, what about it?"

"Will you be here?"

"Uh . . . no. Just today."

"You're KIDDING! This is the only day I can vote?"

Well, unless you took advantage of the opportunity to vote early over the past month, yes. Today is the only day. The last day.

"Right."

She stormed out, ticked. I shook my head in the manner of one who has just been struck by a blunt object.

13. A former neighbor came to vote, bringing her little boys. The kids were excited to see me. I used to give them popsicles. I asked them how they like their new house.

"We had to move, because [other neighbor] was bad."

"Oh," I said, trying to sound interested, but not too interested.

"Okay, boys, let's go," their mom said, pulling on them.

"Yeah. He touched the girls on their private parts."

"Oh. Hmmm. Yes, that is bad," I said.

"Okay, boys, let's go," their mom said, giving me a frantic look and dragging them away before they could do any more damage.

I shook my head in the manner of one who has just been struck by a blunt object. Other neighbor and his son have the same first name. I am hoping that the bad person was indeed the four-year-old son, and not his father (who, incidentally, is the pot-smoking husband of the woman in the preceding story). That would definitely be bad.

14. About halfway through the day, a nice-looking guy in a suit came in and started talking to the assistant poll manager. From where I was, he sounded like he was with the company that manufactured the voting machines. He also looked vaguely familiar. I figured I'd seen him at one of the trainings I'd attended. I decided to get another opinion about my jerry-rigging job, and crossed the hall to talk with him. I said hi, and started in on my question: techno jumble, mumble, bumble, blah, blah, blah, so we're just wondering whether or not what we're doing is okay.

Guy: Uh, I'm not with the county election office. [shakes my hand] Chris Jones, Channel 4 News.

Me: Oh! I knew you looked familiar. So is what we're doing okay, or not?

Chris Jones (laughs): Sure, go ahead.

Me: Cool. Thanks.

And that's how I got to be on the news. I guess I was just funny enough that Chris decided to take a chance on me. Sadly, he said he was reporting from the neighboring town, instead of where he really was. Also, he forgot to actually interview me. But from what I hear, I was definitely there in the background. Somewhere.