Close Call

My caller ID tells me that BBC phoned. I missed the call because, to be honest, I was playing a timed word game, and didn't want to lose any points. Whoever it was could leave a message or call back. I am not a slave to the phone.

But BBC!!! What could be cooler than that? Maybe having Andrew Davies' name show up on the caller ID, but he's probably just going to call from the BBC phone anyway. Long distance charges and all that.

Conjecture begins: why were they calling?

Possible reasons:

• Andrew Davies wants to get some advice on his new screenplay. I hope it's The Pickwick Papers.
  
• They want me to play Lady Susan in their adaptation of that little-known Austen novel, which is kind of boring, but yes, okay, I'll do it.
  
• Judi Dench has been wanting to meet me and they've agreed to set something up.
• They want to give me an award for Most Consecutive Hours Spent Watching BBC Dramas.
• Matthew McFadyen/Colin Firth/John Lynch/Ioan Gruffudd found out I'm a fan and wanted to say thanks.
• One of the above persons (perhaps all) wants to fly me over to England for a two-week consultation--or just for fun.

BBC did not leave a message. No doubt they wanted to talk to me in person, in order to record the controlled squealing that would take place as soon as they revealed their purpose to me. All night long I dreamed of the fame, fortune, and fun that would come to me as soon as they called back.

And this morning they did.

Me (appealingly breathless): Hello?

The person on the other end of the line had a disappointingly American accent. Oh, well, BBC America. That's promising too.

BBCA Rep: Hi. I'm trying to locate [name of drug addict neighbor].

Me (deflated): Oh.

BBCA Rep: Do you know him?

sigh.

You don't need to know the rest. I didn't give anything away about my neighbor, because I began to suspect that it wasn't even the actual BBC that was calling. Just some poseur creditor who tricks people into answering because they think they're about to get their big break. But if my neighbor shows up in the next Nicholas Nickleby adaptation as Wackford Squeers, I'm going to claim that I had everything to do with his discovery. And then I'm going to demand that he introduce me to Judi Dench.