If you haven't seen former Utah First Lady, Jackie Leavitt's "Immunize by Two, It's Up to You" commercial, well, you've missed out. In her best "English" she convinces us to drag our babies down to the health department and have them stabbed.
I don't have any babies. So I drag my husband. Daltonboy is going on a trip. He's going to a country where there are allegedly a lot of rusty nails lying about amidst the herring, so we thought it would be a good idea to get a tetanus booster. He has a history of passing out after (or during) this kind of thing, so I drove. I figured it would be a good time for me to get a shot, too. After all, it's been twenty + years, and I can't go on putting it off forever. Actually I can, but I thought I'd just get mine first and show him how easy it was.
That backfired. Oh, but first, I should tell you about the cute but stupid Medical Assistant who gave us the shots. I already knew she was stupid, because on an earlier visit I mentioned a certain body part and she had no idea what that was. Granted, it wasn't a body part people talk about every day, but still. Having recieved some medical training, and being an owner of this body part herself, she should have known. Anyway. So we're there in the room, and she comes in with the needles.
Somewhere I had read that adults don't get the full DPT (diptheria, pertussis, tetanus) shot that kids get. And it seems like I read that you can just get the tetanus/diptheria combination--because who really cares about whooping cough? So you get sick and cough. Whatever. What I don't want is diptheria, because that sounds like some kind of colonial wasting disease. It's probably akin to typhoid.
Me: So, is this also a diptheria shot or is it just tetanus?
MA: No, this is a tetanus shot.
Me: Right. I was just wondering if it was also for diptheria.
MA: I don't know what that is. This is tetanus and pertussis.
Me: Oh. Well, when we have our kids immunized, they get a DPT shot, so I was wondering if we were getting the same thing.
MA: No. This is tetanus and pertussis.
Me: Ah. I see.
Pertussis is an awfully big word. Do you even know what that is?
MA: So who's first?
Seeing that she wasn't inspiring DB with confidence, I volunteered. I barely even felt the needle, which was good. Then she made DB lay down on the table, while she told him all about how she really hates it when people pass out on her.
Daltonboy did a great job! I was so proud of him, I volunteered to take him out to ice cream. He declined. And they didn't even give him a sticker. Jerks.
Anyway, about three hours after the shot, I got a headache. Then my neck started aching, kind of like I have the flu. I woke up this morning with a migraine (not unusual). And my neck hurts real bad (unusual). And my arm is all swollen up (also unusual). I made the mistake of going online to check on vaccine reactions, since the stupid MA didn't tell us anything. Like I said, that was a mistake. You wouldn't believe the number of people that have gone blind, contracted MS, been permanently crippled, lost their jobs, and died of brain damage, all from getting a tetanus shot. And yes, I'm sure it all started with a neckache. And they're all fanatically shouting their stories to the Internet. Particularly to suggestible, hypochondriac, anxiety sufferers like myself.
So this may be it. My last post, seeing as I won't be able to see or use my hands by tomorrow. It's been a fun ride. Thanks for the laughs. I love you all.
I would like to have seen Montana . . .
Goodbye!
7 comments:
I am sorry you are dying. I will probably miss you. But, I've seen Montana - forget that one - there are other regrets you should have. like, "I wish I had been nicer to Alison about her Diet Coke addiction." Or, "I wish I hadn't given Nat that wedgie." Or, even, "I wish I had seen just one more episode of 'Gilligan's Island. And how stupid of me to forget there were 7 stranded castaways."
Also, if you don't die, you will be immune from both Whooping Cough and tetanus. That will be good.
I had a tetanus shot last summer when I sprained my ankle and cut my foot playing basketball with the 12 year old boy down the street. My arm hurt for a couple of days. I should devote an entire web site to it, so that hypochondriacs that search the internet will see that everything will be okay. Except they're pansys. But, other than that, everything will be okay.
The good news is that the swelling has gone down (a little), and I can move my arm and hand without crying now. When the RS President punched me in the arm at church yesterday, I didn't even pass out. Also, the fever and aching are gone. So I think I'm gonna pull through. Again. It's amazing how many run-ins with death I have on a regular basis, and I always live. I must have one heck of a will to live . . .
On a related topic - why in the H do people think it's okay to hit other people during casual conversation? Because it's NOT okay. It sucks. No one likes being hit. So, you tell that RSP to CRAM IT!!! And I'll tell the WT mom from gymnastics that if she hits me again, I'll freaking DECK her. So, that may not be the best way to befriend others, but I really don't want to be her friend. Because she is a WT hitter and she sucks.
I meant that she is WT and she hits, not that she hits WT, because that would make ME WT.
Also, I am sorry that I am mean to you when you are sick. I believe you. I am glad you are getting better.
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Can I just immunize myself on a rusty nail instead? It sounds like it may have fewer side effects.
I am sorry for your death.
Can I have your stuff?
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