Uncharted Desert Isle(s)

When I was a kid, "Gilligan's Island" was one of my favorite shows. (Other favorites included "I Dream of Jeannie," "Batman," and "Bewitched.")

Recently, I discovered "LOST." This only happened about a week ago, because I don't watch TV, and I saw that the series was available at my local mom 'n pop video rental place. They had to stop renting edited videos, on account of a bunch of people in Hollywood felt that was infringing on their creative rights, so they started carrying TV series on DVD instead. Anyway, I heard that "LOST" is so good people are addicted to it, and decided to see what all the hype is about.

So is there anyone on the planet who hasn't seen through the fruitless scheme to recreate one of the most beloved television dramas of all time? And while "LOST" is certainly compelling and hip, and I admit that I've spent about twelve hours watching it this week, I find it lacks nine very important aspects in its writing, directing, and acting that only seventies TV was able to capture.

1. Forty-six (Oh. Boone just died. Make that forty-five.) castaways to keep track of, instead of just six. Who really cares whether or not Merry kicks the heroin addiction? There're forty-four more people to look at while he's off deciding if he really needs a fix. I want to feel for the characters, like we all do for Gilligan, so very deeply. Would it kill the Skipper to just be nice to him one freaking time?

2. Lots of swearing, which is a cheap way to replace the drama of ripping the goofy hat off Gilligan's head and hitting him with it.

3. Lots of fighting, which is a cheap way to replace the drama of ripping the goofy hat off Gilligan's head and hitting him with it.

4. Plenty of supernatural stuff, which, although kind of interesting, doesn't quite live up to the regular, and, I might add, stirring voodoo dances Gilligan used to do.

5. The fact that these people were travelling on a huge airplane with all their luggage takes away all the mystery. What's the fun of knowing where all their changes of clothing came from, or why one of the people had a suitcase full of money on his person for a three-hour tour? I want Sayid to make a radio out of banana peels and coconuts--not out of readily available equipment salvaged from the wreckage.

6. No clear leader. They forgot to have one of the pilots survive. Because who is going to perform marriages if two survivors decide they want to sleep together? The doctor? I don't think that's legal. Think ahead, kids!

7. Theme song lacks resonance. Who doesn't know the "Gilligan" theme song by heart? Now who can hum the "LOST" tune, including all those scary, screechy sounds? Yeah, I thought so.

8. People die. They die horrible, scary deaths. Why do I need to see that? It's stressful enough for me to sit and wonder how Gilligan is going to get out of the cave before all the air runs out.

9. On "LOST" you get lifeless, trite lines like, "D'you ever use a needle? D'you ever sew anything, because I could really use some help here," or, "You just don't get it, do you?" On "Gilligan's Island," you get classic dialogue like this:

Mary Ann: I'm surprised you can wear that dress. It looks like it's cutting off your circulation.

Ginger: Honey, in Hollywood, the tighter the dress, the more the girl circulates.

'Nuf said. Remakes don't work, people. And that, my friends, is why I have made the decision to limit my TV-to-DVD viewing from now on. I'ts Gilligan or nothing. Okay, little buddy?