More and Less

Dear General Conference Planning Committee:

Thanks for another really great conference! As usual, the proceedings went off swimmingly, and I for one was inspired, comforted, and taught; however, I thought you might like some input on how next April's meetings could be improved. I bet sometimes you just can't see the forest for the trees, so to speak, so I'm taking it upon myself to offer a little advice on things we need more of, and things we could use a little less of.

1. More "singing by the kwahr." They are wonderful! Less of those old, ugly white dresses with the chest rosettes.
2. More speakers who don't get nervous when standing in front of eleven million people to deliver messages directly from the Lord. Less nervous smacking (or else get some better microphones that only pick up real talking noises).
3. More talks that make me feel great about everything I am doing in my life. Fewer talks that make me feel like I still have a lot of work to do.
4. More talks by Scottish guys. Less of the Utah accents (diction lessons?). And while we're at it, get those Scottish guys to really let loose with the brogue and not try to sound so American. We can read the talk when it comes out if it's unintelligible, but who doesn't want to spend ten minutes listening to some real good Scottish?
5. More talks by Elders Holland, Bednar, and Oaks. I would go so far as to suggest a few supplemental sessions. There's time. The "Elder Holland Session" could be held Sunday night at 6:00, for example.
6. More people who know how to pick out a tie as well as President Hinckley does. Fewer crooked accessories and ugly jewelry (refer to General Relief Society Meeting).
7. More tickets to the Conference Center given to people like me. Why am I deserving? Because I won't laugh at stuff that isn't funny. And I won't take flash pictures with my point-and-shoot camera as soon as the final "Amen" is said, because none of those are going to turn out, folks.
8. More opportunities outside of conference for people to really get to know our women leaders. That way we won't get irritated and tune out when they use Relief Society voices, because those sisters really know what they're talking about.
9. More footage of President Hinckley waving his cane at people and blowing them kisses. Fewer funeral songs sung in anticipation of his impending death. We all know he's really, really old. Let's just say goodbye to him after he's gone, okay? I'm sure he'll understand.
10. More jokes by Elder Ballard. He's a funny guy, and people don't appreciate his wit, I think. I will always vote for fewer "pomes" and musical theater quotes. You did quite well on that front this time--keep up the good work.
11. More bringing down the smack during Priesthood Session, because I really like the fact that I'm not there to have a can lovingly opened on me. Fewer stories about men who sacrifice for their families in all the wrong ways. For example, that guy could easily have told the story Paul H. Dunn-style and said, "And then my dad did the ironing himself, instead of making my mom do it, and he never had to go without lunch."
12. More talks with really, really long stories at the beginning that enable me to figure out the analogy before they start the meat of the talk--because that makes me feel really smart.
13. More talks that make my kids come up to me all throughout the weekend and say, "Mom, I love you," because who can ever get enough of that?

So those are my suggestions. You folks are doing a bang-up job there at the GCPC, don't get me wrong. I just thought you'd like a little outside help. Don't thank me. Just send tickets.

Looking forward to seeing you (in person) in April,
Daltongirl