Regarding Witchcraft

Rufus Scrimgeour
Ministry of Magic
London, UK

Dear Minister Scrimgeour:

I don't own a reliable owl, so I am sending this letter by one of our more reliable muggle methods. I assume you have ways of receiving it. I write because I have reason to believe that there has been a breach of wizard/muggle security, which it appears that no one from your world is aware of. Also, I don't know anyone involved with the American Ministry of Magic, so I turn to you. Perhaps you could forward my message to the appropriate persons, if you are unable to address the situation yourself. I do have reason to believe that the persons involved have been affiliated with Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, which could possibly end up involving you after all.

Anyway, your time is precious, so on to the issue. I recently visited my doctor, for what I was told would be some simple allergy testing. You realize that "alternative health," and even "traditional medicine" are far different from the healing methods you use in your world. Or so I thought. The waiting room was full of normal-seeming muggles, waiting for their turns to be tested and magically (yes, magically) healed. The unsolicited testimonials poured forth as if their owners were compelled to share them--and I now have little doubt that they were. Imperius curse? Likely, in my opinion.

The testing started out simply enough, but I soon came to realize that what I was looking at was the clever utilization of a computerized ouija board. The practitioner (an assistant to my medical doctor) had disguised her wand to look like an electronic tool, and was clearly consulting the spirits to ask them what kinds of health problems I am victim to. She chanted what I now believe to be spells under her breath the entire time I was in her office, and continually touched her "wand" to specific parts of my skin. She claimed they were "acupuncture" points, but you and I both know that was a ruse.

Then she began the concoction of potions and the testing of said potions to confirm whether or not they would work for my specific maladies. Incidentally, you might want to invest in some of this equipment yourself. It could be an effective way to prevent your people from accidental ingestion of harmful potions. She set each potion (or ingredient) upon her "machine," and tested them by tapping her wand to my skin and repeating the incantation, "onceaday, twiceaday, threetimesaday" with each subsequent tap. When she found the right ingredient or dosage, her computer screen would respond with a little line--rudimentary in comparison to your methods, I know, but there had to be a show put on for the muggles, you know. When she suggested the magical foot bath that would draw my bodily toxins from my feet and heal my liver for 35 American muggle dollars, I declined. You understand--one has to draw the line somewhere.

The healer then sent a paper out into the potions lab for preparation, and when I emerged, I found several bottles of questionable content awaiting me for purchase and consumption. Only one of them was labeled to my satisfaction. I am left mostly in the dark as to the ingredients of the others; I am sure that you and your associates would readily recognize the ones that were mentioned in my presence: rock water, star of bethlehem, gillyweed. And now I come to the bit that might be of particular interest to you and your people: I believe I did catch a glimpse of an individual just turning a corner wearing a long, dark robe. From what I could see, this person also appeared to have long, stringy black hair. I am aware of the missing status of your Severus Snape, as well as his prodigious abilities with potion making. I don't attempt to advise you, but common sense suggests that you might want to look into it.

Perhaps this all amounts to nothing, and, if so, I am sorry for taking your time; however, I do have one additional question: do you know whether or not Hogwarts offers any correspondence courses in potion making and/or healing, and can you put me in touch with the appropriate parties? Because if my bill is any indication, there is a lot of money to be made, and I'd love to get in on that.

You will be happy to hear that in many respects I am feeling better, so the people involved do appear to be working with integrity and a sincere desire to help others; however, I remain unconvinced that the treatments of the wizarding world are entirely effective on muggles. In other respects I feel no different, and am concerned that for all my money and time, I may be falling victim to a clever con, which (no pun intended) I have no supernatural ability to detect, or recourse for prosecution if I am right.

I anxiously await your reply, and hope that at the very least, the information I provide is fruitful for you.

Sincerely,
Daltongirl
The House with the Orange Front Door
Utah, USA

p.s. Please don't send owls. My neighbors already look at me with suspicion as it is. I trust you can find an alternative method of communication that will not result in embarrassment to me (or worse).