I attended a meeting earlier this week with a woman who reminded me of an experience from last summer. She called me up and asked if I and my family would participate in a reenactment-type shindig out at the Pony Express station. I told her that my family would probably be more than willing to participate, but I would not be available. Here's why:
Earlier in the year, say January 2004, I found myself lying in bed, contemplating what I would have to do (short of a suicide attempt) in order to get myself committed to the psych ward. That was probably the low point. After that, with the help of my sweet husband and some fantastic little white pills (legally prescribed by a competent medical doctor), I started to feel a bit better. But I decided then and there that for a while I would not accept any responsibilities beyond what I was already committed to do. Aside from church callings, of course, partly because I was serving in the most difficult calling available (my bishop said this--said he'd rather be bishop than work with the youth, as far as total burnout goes), and any change would have meant less responsibility and time commitment.
So when this woman called, I had my answer ready. I had been using it with some success already, and it felt quite good. This was enabling me to spend a lot of time sitting in my rocking chair knitting hats (something I imagine they would have had me doing in the psych ward, which seemed to partly make up for the fact that I hadn't been able to get in).
"I'm sorry," I said. "I won't be able to participate."
I guess people around here aren't used to hearing that, because she proceeded to harrass me. So while she hounded, I took stock of my current situation, just to make sure:
Young Women President (including Youth Conference and Girl's Camp), serving on the PTA board at three different schools, raising three kids with (ahem!) special challenges, volunteering in classroom, and various other small responsibilities that everyone has, like cooking, cleaning, gardening, Visiting Teaching, etc. Plus I have all those hats to make, and I'm tired and sick all the time. Migraines every other day, that sort of thing.
"I'm really sorry," I said. "I'm not taking on any more activities right now. I just am not able to do anything else."
And here's my favorite part: She said, huffily, "Well! I wish I could do that."
I just laughed. Perhaps that was rude, but I couldn't even believe what I was hearing. She finally hung up.
Now I've got my groove back, somewhat, and am participating in all kinds of fun things again. Hoping not to drive myself over the edge. But when I saw the woman at this recent meeting, she didn't have a whole lot to say to me. Too bad, grudge holder.
The thing is, I really respect these women. They are active, involved, and care about our community. All things that I consider myself to be. They are also all grandmothers, which can be busier than being a mother sometimes, but still. It's a different stage of life. And they don't seem to understand when people can't handle one more task. One woman dropped out of our current endeavor because she broke some ribs and can't breathe. The other people on the committee were outraged. "So-and-so broke her leg, and she's still doing it!" Turns out they thought it was her wrist, and not her ribs. They calmed down after that. And they were very nice about letting the woman off the hook who is having chemo and won't be able to get out of bed for the next week. She can stay home and all is forgiven.
I'm not sure what the moral of this story is. "Don't get involved in the first place"? or maybe, "If you're going to get a debilitating disease, make sure it's not a mental illness, because no one will believe you"? I really don't know. All I do know is, I no longer have time to make hats, which is a sign I need to cut back.
3 comments:
You see, your trouble is that you're just too darned helpful, willing, capable and amazing. People naturally expect superwoman to do superwoman stuff. I'll bet that same lady didn't call up your next door neighbor and expect HER to do what she was asking YOU to do. (She didn't call me either.)
"Just Say No" works pretty well for me. Of course, you have to shield yourself from the guilt they may throw at you, but when family, health or sanity is at stake (which it often is), I have no problem with it.
And it's a funny thing, people have stopped asking me to do stuff.
I say no to lots of things. I lecture my mother sometimes about saying no, too. It's okay to say. I even lectured Ambrosia about it recently. Sometimes, you just say no.
I've actually taken it a little further in my life. I say no to friends who want to do things with me because I've come to find that I like being alone. I've taken it a step further. I now screen most calls that come to my phone if I suspect that maybe someone is asking me to do something social. And I don't call people back.
And sometimes I even wonder why I'm not married yet...
But I LIKE being involved and doing things. I just feel that just because I say "yes" to many things doesn't mean that people have a right to expect me to say "yes" to every thing. It's like they think because I said it once, I am now bound by a contractual agreement to say it every time they call. And I'm not.
And yes, Cicada, I also don't believe that people have the right to intrude into your home (by phone or by showing up at the door) whenever they feel like it. That's why we have doors. To keep people out. Including our friends, when we don't feel like seeing them.
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