"Thank you for choosing [cell phone company]--where customer service is our number one priority."

Every time I call [cell phone company], I have at least one conversation something like the following. I'm pretty sure their customer service "specialists" have a list of the top ten FAQ, and are only allowed to answer those questions. This makes them what I like to call "generalists." Usually I get those types of questions answered online in the FAQ section. When I have a different question that needs a little extra human interaction, I call customer service. They really are the most pleasant people I've ever had the (dubious) pleasure of talking to. Still, the "service" part of the equation leaves much to be desired. You be the judge, with a sample of my interactions with the company this very day:

Generalist: Thank you for choosing [cell phone company], may I help you?

Me: Yes, I have a bill here that I think I've already taken care of. Can you look up my previous calls and tell me what history you have on this account?

G (who goes by the pseudonym of "Kristi"): Sure, I can look that information up. What is the phone number?

Keep in mind that I've already read my phone number, last four of my Social, children's names, billing address, five generation group sheet, and blood type to the electronic operator about twelve times. I've also clearly stated that I'd like to speak to someone in the language of English.

Me: (pleasantly repeats number)

G: Okay, and what is your question?

Me: Well, I have this bill here, in the amount of $xx.xx, and I'm pretty sure I've already paid it. Can you see a history of my previous calls there?

G: Yes.

Me: Do you show that I've called about this account?

G: Well, I show that you have a balance of $xx.xx. How would you like to pay that today?

Me: Right. Well, I'd like to know if you can see a record of a previous call on this issue. I'm pretty sure I've already paid that.

G: You do have a balance of $xx.xx.

Me: So you show no record of a previous call, back in, say, August?

G: Well, ma'am, I show a balance of $xx.xx that has not been paid.

Me: Right, but do you show a previous balance of $xx.xx that was paid in August?

G: No ma'am, I show a balance of $xx.xx that has not been paid. It is for a phone you added on to your account.

Me: Well, I know what it's for. My question is whether or not I've already paid it.

G: I do show a balance here that has not been paid.

Me: Okay. Well, I guess I'll pay that, then. You know, now that I'm talking to you, I seem to remember having this exact conversation a couple of months ago. I remember paying the bill.

G: No Ma'am, this bill has a balance of $xx.xx. It has not been paid.

Me: Um . . . yeah. Okay, can I pay that over the phone?

G: Certainly. I'd be happy to take care of that for you now. Will you be paying with a check or credit card.?

I briefly wonder how she's going to take my check over the phone. I decide not to risk it.

Me: Credit Card.

G: Great. And what is the number on the card?

We go through that whole rigamarole. If you were hoping that I'd post the credit card number here, you're now disappointed. I wasn't born yesterday. Also, I'm calm now, and can't be tricked into posting sensitive information on my blog.

G: Okay, that balance is now zero, and you will receive one additional bill, informing you of the zero balance.

Me: Um . . . I'm really feeling like I've had this conversation before, on this same account. I think the person told me then that I would not receive any further billings on this account. Because it's now all been transferred to my Family Plan.

G: Well, you will receive one additional bill, informing you of the zero balance.

Me: Right. Thanks very much.

G: Thank you, and thank you for choosing [cell phone company]. Have a nice day.

I hang up the phone. The deja vu feeling is stronger than ever. It occurs to me that I should have a record of that bill in my folder. Before calling, I had consulted my checking account, and it hadn't told me anything. I looked up the bill. Sure enough, there it was. Paid in full, August 20 of this year. I called back. Gave the "English operator please" instructions and all other pertinent information to the electronic operator. Sat on hold for another several minutes.

New Generalist: Thank you for calling [cell phone company], may I have your mobile number please?

Me: Sure. (reads number, last four of Social, and states name. Again.)

NG: Caller? Caller? I can't hear you. Please hang up your phone and call back at 1-800-blah, blah.

I hung up. Stomped around to find a different phone so it couldn't be blamed on me again. Called again. Same dog and pony show. FINally, we get down to business. Again.

NG: And how can I help you today?

I explain the problem, which is that I've now paid the same bill twice, and I need a refund for one of the payments.

NG: Yes, I do show that this bill was paid in the amount of $xx.xx on October 23, bringing you to a zero balance.

Me: Right. That's today. I just paid it like five minutes ago.

NG: And now you have a zero balance. Are there any other questions?

Me: Yes. There are. I also paid this bill on August 20. I have a reference number. I have paid this bill twice.

NNG: Oh, I don't show that. I show a payment of $xx.xx on October 23, bringing you to a zero balance.

Me (quietly tearing out hair): Yes. I remember making that payment just a few minutes ago. I wasn't sure it had been paid, but then I looked through my bills and found that it had. Then I looked up my bank account and found that indeed, there was a transaction in the amount of $xx.xx to [cell phone company] on August 20. Two months ago. And now I'm receiving another bill telling me that my account is going to collections. But you see, I've already paid the bill.

NNG: Well, I show that the account has a zero balance, so you shouldn't have to worry about having it go to collections.

Me (swallowing scream--voice is still slightly hysterical though, I think): I'm not really worried about it going to collections now, because it's been paid. Twice. What I'm worried about is the fact that I've now paid you twice for the same thing, and I'd like to get my money back.

NNG: We don't show that. We just show a zero balance as of October 23.

Me (possibly shrieking--I'm not quite sure--I do know the room went dark for a second): Well, tell me why my bank says that I gave you $xx.xx on August 20! I would like to know what you did with that money, because you have it!

NNG: Let me transfer you. One moment please.

Me: Sure. Thanks.

NNNG: Thank you for choosing [cell phone company], how are you today?

Me (nervous laughter--this is not a good question to ask me right now) : Well, I'm fine. This is my fifth call on this issue [including the time I originally paid the bill back in August], so I'd have to say I'm a little frustrated.

NNNG: Well, let's see if we can take care of the issue for you.

Me: That would be great.

I explain issue. NNNG turns out to be not so dumb after all, because he decides that there really is something wrong. After we have the exact same conversation I had with the other two customer service reps, more or less.

NNNG (somewhat nervously, although my blood pressure had dropped about sixty points once he admitted I was right): I'm going to have to transfer you to someone who can help you resolve this. Uh . . . you might be asked to give your account information again.

Me: That's fine.

NNNG: I really apologize for any frustration you've experienced.

Me: That's quite alright. Thanks for your help.

And from there they transferred me to the Sentient Life Form Department, and I got the help I needed. Only now I'm going to need a week in the psych ward, and that's going to cost a lot more than $xx.xx, I can assure you. I feel that a strongly-worded letter is in order, but quite frankly, I'm exhausted.