In which a suspicious package is delivered

Daltonboy received an unexpected package in the mail the other day. When he opened it, he found that it contained all manner of anti-aging creams and serums, along with two giant bottles of cellulite-reducing cream.

The packing list stated that his credit card had been billed to the tune of about $75.

The last four digits on the credit card did not match any card in his wallet or mine.

I called the company (which neither of us had ever heard of) and explained the situation. They canceled our newly activated monthly membership, which would have had us receiving a similar box of body care products regularly--with similar charges to the credit card we don't own. They told us to keep the stuff, since it wasn't our fault.

We know not what to think. We came up with four possible scenarios:

1. Someone ordered body products and accidentally gave the company our name and address to ship the stuff to. Because who doesn't have a completely different person's name and address come to mind when asked for their personal information?

2. Someone stole a credit card and used it to order random gifts for strangers. I've heard of this happening a lot--sort of a variation on the "pay it forward" theme.

3. The company is shady and was trying to set up a trick membership, but failed to match the right credit card numbers to the right people.

4. A friend or loved one thinks that one or more of us has an offensive cellulite problem that must be addressed, and sent us a thoughtful gift.

I think we can all agree that number 4 is the only plausible scenario. Allow me to address our friend or loved one who has expressed concern.

Dear Friend and/or Loved One:

Daltonboy doesn't have cellulite. He doesn't even have any body fat. His skin hangs from his body like that of a plucked chicken. I can only assume you meant the product to come indirectly to me. I know I'm overweight. I'm working on it. Although I have other fat-related problems, cellulite isn't one of them. If you had researched thoroughly (which would have involved seeing me naked, so thanks for not doing that), you would have sent a home liposuction machine instead.

We do appreciate the wrinkle cream and that stuff that reduces bags under the eyes. DB has a lot of wrinkles. Unfortunately, he refuses to use facial products (washes his face with Irish Spring, for heaven's sake), so if I ever get to the point where I don't think the wrinkles are cute, I'll have to slather the stuff on him after he goes to sleep. The dark and puffy bags under my eyes are gradually disappearing now that I'm sleeping at night for the first time in five years, but thanks for noticing that I could use a little help.

Really, your gift was truly thoughtful. We couldn't feel more grateful when someone points out flaws we don't have. It diverts our attention from the ones we do have, and saves us the hassle of getting all depressed.

Sincerely,
Daltongirl

Now. Does anyone out there need a half-gallon of cellulite cream from a company I've never heard of and cannot endorse? Free of charge, no questions asked.