Take Your Family to Work

I've been to a few functions in the past couple of weeks, and have gleaned a few tips for success that I'd like to share. My first tip list can be printed out and given to your employer to help with planning Take Your Family to Work Day, or Summer BBQ, or whatever they might do to attempt involving your loved ones in your career.

1. If you choose to invite a speaker from the Safety Council to speak during the meal, request that they specifically avoid stories of gruesome deaths due to safety accidents. Particularly the ones that involve severed bodies, spilled intestines, eyes hanging from sockets, etc.

2. Make sure there are plenty of caffeinated drinks for all the younguns--especially kids under age six. And then make sure to talk to the group about health. If you want to tell the wired kids about severed bodies and spilled intestines at that point, it's okay.

3. Invite the mayor. If she/he can't come, invite a representative from the mayor's office. Ask them to tell long and boring stories about their families (rationalizing that it's entirely appropriate--because it's Family Day) and indicate not even a remote understanding of what your company does. Ask them to compare mechanical engineers to train engineers.The kids will love that.

4. Offer Major Awards. Do this several years in a row so everyone has a chance to win one, and everyone feels special. Or not. Try to pick something tasteful that anyone would feel honored to display in their home.

5. Have a British guy do most of the speeches. Because when it gets boring, at least you'll have a cool accent to listen to.

6. If your company is involved in the oil industry, make sure to spend some time talking about how well things are going, how many more people you're hiring, and how you're taking money in hand over fist. Talk about how, in spite of the sagging economy, this is one company that isn't going anywhere. Ignore the employees (and families of employees) who are squirming with discomfort.

7. Have plenty of cookies. Also trick water bottles that leak all over people's chests.

As for you, go, enjoy the food, collect prizes, and bug out of there as soon as possible afterward. For added fun, assign one of your family members to make snarky remarks during the speeches (and then blog about the whole thing). Try not to laugh out loud--especially if you're sitting right in front of that guy from the Safety Council.