Pleeeease Mr. Postman!

A few years ago, daltonboy, jr. placed his first Internet order. A couple of hours after placing the order, he went to the door and checked the mailbox. After this happened a few times (on the same day), I figured out that he was expecting his order to arrive at any moment. We had a talk.

This is sort of how it works, I explained. Your order goes to Company X's computer, and may or may not show up on that company's warehouse computer that same day. First of all, the company has to verify that you actually paid for the item. Sometimes that takes time. Maybe a day. When they know you've paid for it, they'll let their warehouse know it's okay to send the item. The people in the warehouse will most likely have other orders to fill that came in before yours. They will fill those first. At the end of their work day, they'll go home. Maybe your order won't be boxed up and addressed yet. Let's say you're next in line when the warehouse people come in the following morning. Is your item even in stock? They'll look. Maybe it isn't. If it is, they'll box it up and send it. If they get it ready in time, it might go out that day.

So far one or two days have gone by.

If it does go out that day, it will be put on a truck. Since you didn't pay for overnight shipping, it will be on a truck for a long time (depending on where it's traveling from). Since you didn't pay for anything like express delivery, it might be on a truck for five days or more. It might have to go to other warehouses or delivery centers and get put on other trucks. Finally it will arrive here.

Probably about five to seven days have gone by. The order information said it could take up to ten days. I would probably not waste time checking the mail for at least five days.

Next time DBJ placed an order, he waited until day two to check the mail. We had a little talk.

DBJ, there is probably not a warehouse in the world where people are just sitting around staring at their computer screens, waiting for your order to come in. Even if there was, they still have to find the item, box it up, and send it. That all takes time. Oh, and they have to make sure your payment has been received.

He nodded, said "okay" in a dejected sort of way, and waited until the following day to check the mail again.

One time he placed an order and it took two weeks to arrive. Those weeks were very, very long.

As time has gone on, I thought that DBJ understood the principle of package delivery. I was wrong.

Late Saturday night, he placed another order. I didn't say anything about how long it might take. I didn't think I had to. Monday after school he was quite frustrated and disappointed to find that he had no deliveries that day. I almost kept quiet. At least he no longer checks the mail on Sundays. Baby steps . . .

Late Wednesday afternoon, I helped DBJ place another order. This time it was for his iPod to be serviced. The nice Indian woman on the phone in Bombay explained to me that Apple would send a email to tell me what to do next. Then they would send a box, and we should pack the iPod in that box and send it back.

I knew the box wasn't coming from Bombay, but still. DBJ wanted to know if it was coming tomorrow. No, I explained, somewhat patiently. It just doesn't work like that. Not tomorrow, or the next day. Probably not even the next day.

I never got an email. The next morning there was a box on my doorstep. From California. And in my best Gilbert Gottfried voice I yelled, "How in the HE _ _?"

Now all my years of careful postal instruction have been flushed down the toilet.
Typical.