I'm high maintenance. This is new for me. I've always thought of myself as a pretty low maintenance person (physically, of course--emotionally I'm not a day at the beach, by any means). No makeup, wash hair and put in pony tail, five or six pairs of shoes, that kind of thing.
Suddenly I'm wearing makeup. My excuse has always been that I'm allergic, so I don't wear it. Quick flashback to this conversation ten years ago between me and Obnoxious Mary Kay Consultant:
OMKC (brightly): How would you like to be a face model for me?
I assume that means that you'll slather makeup all over me and try to get me to buy it from you?
Me: Oh, no thanks. I don't wear makeup.
OMKC (disbelieving): What?
Me: I'm allergic to everything, so I just don't wear it.
OMKC: Well, we have lots of hypoallergenic products. You should try it.
Me: I have. I'm especially allergic to Mary Kay. I get these big scablike growths all over my eyelids. It's horrible.
OMKC (turning away, very disgusted): Well. It's a good thing you have such great coloring and don't need it then.
So I haven't been wearing makeup. Recently I noticed that my skin isn't as sensitive as it used to be. I don't break out in a rash when I wear sunscreen, that sort of thing. And I can wash my face with a gentle face cleanser and not end up with scaly lizard skin. I decided to try some makeup. Just for fun. It worked. Then my sister introduced me to the most fabulous Lauren Hutton products for aging women, and I'm off! Makeup every day I'm not going to be too sweaty to keep it on.
And the hair. I bought three curling irons. Granted, the 3-pack was half the price of the large one I wanted, and now I have three sizes when I only wanted one, but I own three curling irons. And I've been curling my hair every day I'm not going to be too sweaty to leave it down.
Suddenly, without warning, I decided I don't have enough shoes. I must have more shoes. Daltonboy may have to build a walk-in closet on to the side of the house to accommodate all the shoes I need. Maybe I read "Cathy" one too many times, I don't know. But I'm all about shoes now. Especially the ones that don't make me sweaty.
And I bought hot pink pants.
I'm scared. What's going to happen to me? Am I going to start driving an SUV and taking my kids to soccer and wearing tight shirts/short skirts and ratting my bangs up to heaven? Am I going to start answering my cell phone during meetings and talking to my contractors, even when I'm in the middle of a presentation? Do I have to get a bunch of handbags to match every outfit, or will the bright green one work with everything? And what about coats/sweaters?
Here are the possible reasons I've changed:
1. Mid-life crisis
2. My car is too cool for the old me. Must keep up image.
3. Blogging with a younger crowd has thrown me into a mid-life crisis.
4. Five-year anniversary coming up has thrown me into a mid-life crisis.
5. One too many compliments from old ladies at the temple on the most beautiful black eyes they've ever seen, most shiny, beautiful black hair they've ever seen, blah, blah. Fear that these compliments might drop off makes me want to enhance hair and eyes.
6. My father's recent comment on my sagging neck has thrown me into a mid-life crisis.
7. My skin is better, my hair is long, and I just feel like looking/feeling attractive.
8. As yet undiagnosed Wasting Disease leaves me feeling I need a little pick-me-up.
9. Am overwhelmed with messy house and overgrown yard/garden, causing me to distract myself with something unimportant that makes me feel better.
10. New roles in State PTA and on high profile political campaign make me realize I need to step up personal care level in order to be credible.
11. The fact that RHS will soon be wearing makeup caused me to start working on ways to look natural so I can teach her not to paint herself like a harlot.
12. My acting career is about to take off any second.
So I don't know. But if you see me driving a Suburban around with a baby in my lap, talking on a cell phone, I beg you to organize an Intervention. If I can stop before I go too far, I think I kind of like the new me. I feel good. Pretty. I feel pretty, oh so pretty, so pretty, and witty, and . . . well, you get the idea.
7 comments:
I'm sorry about the hot pink pants.
3. We may be young in age, but we're old at heart!
5. Just be worried when you give one too many compliments to people at the temple on their "most beautiful eyes you've ever seen" Once you do this, there's no going back--you have become one of the Old Ladies.
6. My daughter's got a saggy neck, and she's not old.
10. I'll vote for you.
Good luck on your mid-life crisis!
By the way, how do you like The Power of One? I loved it. My wife just read Tom Jones too, and liked it pretty well. Random comment.
I've read Power of One about three times. I guess that means I like it. I introduced it to one of my teachers at the School of the Prophets, even UofU. She was from South Africa. She worshipped me ever after. Anyway, it's the first time for my kids, and they love it, too.
I been looking at the eyes of all the old ladies, and they're all faded and watery. I bet that's why they like mine. Mine are still somewhat clear and bright. I'll try not to compliment anyone in order to remain young.
Don't vote for me. I'm not running. Just on the campaign committee. But if you lived in A.F. you could vote for my friend Heidi. She's awesome! She's also low-maintenance. I hope she'll still be my friend after reading this post.
I think it's because of the deep obligation you must feel to look just right for that image conscious and oh-so-trendy husband of yours. I don't know how you take the pressure.
That's probably it. Yesterday I used the 1" curling iron as opposed to the 1.5" of Sunday. I asked him whether he liked my hair better.
Long silence and confused look. Then, tentatively, "The curls are tighter, right?"
I was pretty impressed.
When I started wearing makeup he freaked out because he was afraid he wasn't going to recognize me anymore. Apparently that was a real problem in the mornings with Marriage #1. I assured him I would not be making big changes.
By the way, MamaJ, you assured me you would notice my new look and compliment me, and you didn't. I don't know what to make of that, other than you were distracted b/c of all the education/health/psychological issues pressing on your mind. Also when you saw how filthy my house was, you probably assumed I had no time to put makeup on, since I didn't even have time to pick up around the place. Wrong.
Cool, now you can wear Shade shirts with nothing over them and borrow RHS's clothes and stuff!
Now, if you could possibly find a pair of shoulder-brushing chandelier earrings to wear, I should not be sorry to be seen with you anywhere!
Savvymom, you're silly. If I spend all my money I just get credit cards.
And borrowing RHS's clothing is something I never considered. I'll have to look into that.
The shoulder-brushing earrings are a definite must. I shall be on the lookout.
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