A River Runs Through It

If you drive up Provo Canyon of a hot summer afternoon, you can see people tubing down the lazy river having a most wonderful time. I have always wanted to be one of them, and Saturday I got my chance. Daltonboy was not excited, but he went along with it, because he is The Sweetest Man in the World. Here's what went wrong:

1. Not enough tubes. We had to rent one from the disorganized people four miles down.

2. The Provo River is icy cold. Even if it's a scorching hot day, ice water freezes the skin. Within three minutes none of us could feel our legs.

3. None of us wore water shoes. This wasn't a problem as long as we were just floating. Unfortunately, there were times when we were standing (on sharp rocks), trying to keep our footing (on sharp rocks), trying to run (on sharp rocks), and being dragged (on really sharp rocks).

4. The Provo River may look lazy, but it's not. It's fast. And strong. See #3.

5. It was fun to float along until Lola got bucked off her tube and sucked under a log. At that point it seemed a little scary to me. It also seemed scary to Lola.

6. Lola is something of a panicker when scared. Kind of like those drowning people that drag their rescuers under and drown them, too. A lot like that, actually.

7. The spot we picked to get out seems to have been the area of a recent rock slide. This means no rolling smooth by the river had taken place. At all.

8. Those tubes are not really controllable.

Here's what went right:

1. I was right there when Lola was thrown off, and was able to stop and help her.

2. Daltonboy was close by and was able to help us both back onto my tube, which we shared for the remainder of the trip. Busboy hauled the extra tube on his back, which may have given him some insulating warmth and saved him from hypothermia.

3. I had a rope (lesson learned from Sam Gamgee) and we were able to tether our tube to Daltonboy's, so he could continue to get us out of trouble after the near drowning. This includes the time we got stuck on a sandbar (read: jagged rock bar) and couldn't move out of our tube.

4. Tube rental turned out to be a good thing, including the complimentary life vest they gave us that went to Lola.

5. No permanent damage was done from freezing or being dragged through jagged rocks.

6. I regained the use of my arms within an hour after getting out of the river. I could feel my butt again after only about half an hour.

7. No one lost keys, or glasses, or any other valuable. My favorite Disneyland hat almost didn't make it. Daltonboy's driver's license (which he had to relinquish in order to rent the tube) was not lost by the disorganized people, unlike the woman in front of him in line.

Here's what we learned:

1. Three miles seems like a short distance when you're driving. Or walking. Not so short when you're freezing/drowning.

2. Numbness in feet does not preclude one from feeling every cut of every rock one is stepping on.

3. Water shoes are good.

4. Oars are good.

5. Wetsuits are good.

6. Except for the possiblility of one broken toe (mine), no other bones were broken.

7. Those people you see floating down the river are all first-timers. No one would be crazy enough to do that twice, except for the ones who own (and use) water shoes, oars, wetsuits, and rafts.

8. Family prayer is a very, very good idea.

We are bruised, scraped, aching, and swollen in places. Today I feel like I just played the stuntdouble in this scene. I didn't realize I was in shock until I woke up the next morning and started thinking about all the things that could have ended up a lot worse. Then I started shaking uncontrollably. Then I started feeling very grateful that we were protected and blessed, even though we were stupid. Next week: bicycle ride. With helmets and full leathers.