PTA = Pretty Terrific Afternoon

I just returned from Salt Lake, where I attended the annual Utah PTA Legislative Issues Conference. It's a lot more fun than it sounds, and I think after you read my highlights, you'll agree.

I was an usher today, which meant I didn't get to go to all the workshops, but I did get behind the scenes a little bit. The first part of the day is devoted to the workshops, where one can learn about how the State Legislature operates, or about the issues the PTA will be lobbying on during the upcoming session. The second half of the day is a "business meeting," where the members vote on stuff, and they give out awards, etc. So here's what I particularly enjoyed about the day:

The conference is held in one of those giant entertainment centers--the kind that has a skating rink, movie theaters, carousel, party rooms, and a giant ball pit. They open up the entire thing (except the ball pit) for PTA, and we hold the workshops in the movie theaters and party rooms. The business meeting is in the skating rink. That in itself is hilarious, but then the theater leaves all the light displays on over the theater doors, so as I ushered people to their classes I'd say, "Just head on down to 'The Exorcism of Emily Rose.'" It was fun, and a little weird, to have people laughing hysterically at me and telling me over and over again how funny I am. It seemed like the obvious way to direct them, given the flashing LED sign over the door, as opposed to the almost invisible theater number that was flush on the wall. I told one group of women their class was going to be held on the carousel. They thought that was funny, too. Some people just don't get out much, I guess.

In the printed program, a workshop entitled, "Pubic Education: It's in the Hot Seat!" Read carefully. There is no "L" anywhere in that sentence, and I'm pretty sure there should be. I discouraged people from attending that one. It scared me. A couple of people were quite horrified that I said the word "pubic" out loud in front of them. I was just reading the name of the workshop, sheesh.

During the business meeting, several funny things were said. The Utah PTA president is a most lovely and kind woman, even though her hair is really, really big. She was also raised in Southern Utah. Where you "pork your cor." She would say things like, "We'll now precede with the vote."

Another woman was presenting an award, and explaining why it was named after this one guy, who sounds like he was pretty cool. "We just want to memorize him," she said.

Oh! And Jennifer Coolidge was there, or at least someone who looked and acted a LOT like her at her best. Every few minutes we'd have to have the whole meeting held up, while she stood up and asked questions that could have been answered by simply reading the material we all had in front of us. That is, they could have been answered by someone with a fourth-grade reading comprehension level. Apparently Jen has not benefitted from last year's resolution to advocate for better reading skills in the schools.

And last, but not least, was the time when I was standing there, directing people to their classes, with my smart little blazer, foxy hair, cool badge that said I was important and professional, and perfect makeup. Then someone came up and asked me a question, I laughed, and let out this really loud fart. So I laughed again, and excused myself. Hoo boy. That'll teach me not to get too into my image.

Bring on the Legislative Session! I know exactly how to handle it all now.